11 Social Media fishing lines that crack us up

the following are fictitious, but are based from fishing lines we have read on different social media, that pleasantly keep us entertained.

1. ..that was close,..at least i got the bleeding to stop
2. doctor says i have to come back every six hours until the swelling is manageable
3. i sprayed his underwear with Lysol i was so MAD
4. my mechanic says that rattle is normal, what the fudge?
5. that bastard! he didn't water my plants once.
6. someone changed the locks on my house ; not funny.
7. the lady at the shoe store said to go a size smaller
8. my back is getting sore from being on the couch ; any ideas what i can do today? serious responses only 
9. are Cat ate the dog food now its shittin in the sink
10. thinkin bout taking up a hobby ; any suggestions? (don't say breast feeding)
11. mom forgot the blender was plugged in ; what a mess ; now i have to take the day off work.

the art of retailing

I'm in the shopping centre business and am very intrigue with the art of retailing. what i mean about this specifically is the leading edge tools that relevant retailers use to help sell their products. i work with thousand of retailers from national chains to moms and pops. too many people get into retailer and shouldn't. Retailing is selling. Probably the number one criteria after a solid product is a selling staff that is gregarious, honest, knowledgeable and sincerely takes an interest in you the customer.
Yesterday to my disbelief i walked through the entrance doors of Canadian Tire in Barrie and an automated voice welcomed me to Canadian Tire. I stopped in my tracks and my wife stopped as well and asked if i was ok. i told her, no i wasn't. i had a tear in my eye and was a little choked up my the heartfelt message.
the next immediate thought was somewhere along the line a person or persons or quite possibly an executive team sat around a marketing table and determine they could make a difference by having a computed voice welcoming you to Canadian Tire as you crossed the threshold.

LEAF Nation, WAIT! We could win!

Phaneuf needs 130  penalty minutes to catapult from 11th overall to first to pass Steve Downie of the Penquins as Overall Penalty Minute Leader. Steve Downie is in first place with 236 minutes while Phaneuf is in 11th with 106 minutes.

Dion Phaneuf with 3 games remaining, averaging 27 minutes playing time per game,  or 30 shifts a game would need to pull off a miracle. CAN IT BE DONE? Let's examine.

Assuming Phaneuf draws a fighting major at the drop of the puck tonight against the Sens & spears the ref on his way to the penalty box, now he needs just 121 minutes to surpass Steve Downie. For argument sake we're assuming Steve Downie plays good samaritan  hockey for the balance of the season. It could happen. 
Mathematically Phaneuf would need to draw double majors misconducts without getting himself thrown out of any games. If he is tossed from a game ; first place is virtually impossible.  If Phaneuf could volunteer serve team mates penalty minutes this would help. I see a sequel to "A Miracle on Ice" in the works. Who should play Dion Phaneuf in the movie ? Jim Parsons or Johnny Galecki ? Phaneuf vs Downie the race is on for King of the penalty Minutes.

3 Man Relay @ ATB told by Sting Like a B-Fly

[not their real names for reasons we just cannot disclose]
Left to Right. Leaping Lou, Kentucky Karla, and Oldman Spaceboy made up the Team "Sting Like a B-Fly". Our total age is 104, our total weight is 465 lbs, but enough stats.
Its the Around the Bay [3man Relay], in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.
You might assume each team participant runs an equal distance, but that's where you're wrong. Leaping Lou ran 10.4 km while Kentucky Karla ran 10.5 km and Oldman Spaceboy got the short distance.
If you have competed as an individual in triathlons or running races do yourself a huge favour and enter as a relay. It is  a BLAST.
The bus camaraderie is worth the entry fee alone. Things like a our bus driver saying, "i'm the first bus to leave because  i need to get home" or "Sir can you sit down, i'm trying to back this bus up".
Kentucky Karla was beside herself when she entered the First Ontario Coliseum (formerly Copps Coliseum), pushing people out her way as she repeated, "out of my way i need to get to section 113". Our Team pulled off a beautiful 27th finish from a field of 521 teams in just under 2 hours and 35 minutes. Leaping Lou had this to say at the end of the day, "we'll be back".
Great job to all the bus drivers, volunteers, water stations, the ATB organization, Police, fans, a spectacular event and over the top FUN day.! Lastly, Sting Like a B-Fly would like to thank our Team Coach Sally Safety Boots.

Dear Gary Bettman, My Million dollar idea.

Dear Gary,
"Tanking" has become a NHL buzz word. There is as much attention taking place for the race to the bottom as the top. In some twisted way, it's exciting. It so "Canadian" rewarding poor performance with a prize.
I was at the Arizona Coyotes / Buffalo Sabre game on Thursday night when this novel idea jumped into my head.  As I watched the Coyotes & Sabres dig, battle & claw like there lives depended on it, this idea evolved. McGinn #20 for the Coyotes was giving it 200% . It was, reassuring.
Gary, here's my idea.
Simultaneously, as the NHL playoffs are in full swing, there is another play down occurring. Take your bottom 4 or as many as bottom 8 teams in the standings. Play a round robin and the winner earns the number draft pick overall. This resolves to some degree the "tanking" epidemic.  More importantly, incremental revenue by playing additional games. Quite possibly assisting weaker NHL franchises where revenue isn't "Maple Leaf like".  It would increase fan involvement. To be true & effective the mini play-down should be kept short in length not to take away from the regular NHL playoffs.

This idea has merit. Thanks Gary for listening. Jamie

The Oscars - the first forty-five minutes in case you missed it.

I'm pretty sure I've seen Lady GaGa's dress before. It might have been on the original Star Trek TV episode where Kirk & Spock are beamed onto an alien planet. Or perhaps that is where the designer got the inspiration from.
Doogie Howser was entertaining and who knew he could sing?
Michael Strahan was exceptional good last night. He might have saved the night. He was that good.
What was with the pre-Oscar red carpet interviewers. You know that one in particular. Trying extra hard to be enthusiastic and putting her arm around her subject when it was clearly not welcomed. Or, was this scripted. Clever.
There appeared to be a four second awkwardness when Doogie made a remark about Clint Eastwood in his opening dialogue and when the camera swung to capture the moment Clint looked, unimpressed, like he may kill Doogie's career anyway possible, or he might have been caught on camera just day dreaming.

Interstellar [review]

The end of civilization ? Time & Gravity. Gargantua, the name given to the "back hole" that is uncovered enabling space travel to enter into another galaxy whereby the quest for a planet similar to earth can be found. 
Interstellar is 3 hours long, but for me fascinating. It's today's "2001 Space Odyssey". Matthew McConnaughy is Emmy good. Had the Producers used Motorhead on the soundtrack the picture would have been classic for millenniums to come. 
Cooper & Mirth (Cooper's daughter) farmers with brilliant minds uncover NASA's "Area 51" .  After learning the earth is doomed ; Cooper is now  selected to pilot a voyage not far from planet Saturn, a small gate into another galaxy to uncover 12 possible life containing planets known as "plan A". What is Plan "B" ? Go buy a ticket and find out. 
Cooper is brought up to speed by NASA that earlier exploration was sent to these 12 mystery planets. Cooper, robot, and crew will eventually land on two of them. One of the planet's has equivalence of aging them 7 years for every hour spent on the planet. Struggle & conflict occurs and it begins to look like they will never return home to mother earth. 
If you enjoy science, and the concepts of relativity plus time, you will love this movie. Better yet if you get your kicks out of watching the expressions on the easily confused, bring them to Interstellar with you.