11 Social Media fishing lines that crack us up

the following are fictitious, but are based from fishing lines we have read on different social media, that pleasantly keep us entertained.

1. ..that was close,..at least i got the bleeding to stop
2. doctor says i have to come back every six hours until the swelling is manageable
3. i sprayed his underwear with Lysol i was so MAD
4. my mechanic says that rattle is normal, what the fudge?
5. that bastard! he didn't water my plants once.
6. someone changed the locks on my house ; not funny.
7. the lady at the shoe store said to go a size smaller
8. my back is getting sore from being on the couch ; any ideas what i can do today? serious responses only 
9. are Cat ate the dog food now its shittin in the sink
10. thinkin bout taking up a hobby ; any suggestions? (don't say breast feeding)
11. mom forgot the blender was plugged in ; what a mess ; now i have to take the day off work.